December 16, 2013

Good Riddance

The great news about being on a longish break from infertility treatments is that I don't obsessively think about infertility while waiting to fall asleep, when I wake up at night, and in the morning when I am trying to pretend I don't have to get up to pee.  Not having that feedback stress loop going has been relaxing to me.  You almost cannot fathom how stressful those thoughts are until they relent for a few weeks.  I don't know what day of my cycle it is!  I am not waiting to see how my follicles are responding!  I am not injecting myself!  I am not inserting anything into myself or having a camera jammed up in there either!  If I feel rage or sorrow, it is not the hormone shots!  When snow is forecast, it doesn't affect my office appointments!  In this case, absence does not make the heart grow fonder.  It makes me long for the days when I will be done with all of these things forever.

I am so glad we just bagged this cycle.  With Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, new insurance (still fighting to get enrolled), my husband's job stress this time of year, and regular life stuff, we made the best decision to take some time off and regroup for IVF in 2014.  I LOVE being off the hamster wheel!

December 5, 2013

Stop Whining!

Did anyone else ever carelessly ask for a flu shot on the eve of Thanksgiving while being treated for a urinary tract infection?  Yes, it did occur to me for a microsecond that maybe I shouldn't get the shot right before the holiday "just in case," but honestly I was just happy to cross it of my Overdue List.  For the first time ever after all these years, I realize why some people refuse to get the flu shot because it "gave them the flu."  Yikes.  It's been a rough week.  Yes, week.  Fever, chills, soreness, headache.  At this point I don't know if it was just the shot or maybe I caught something at the clinic or caught something at Thanksgiving in addition to the shot reaction.  My therapist has noted that I am obsessed with knowing exactly what things are so that I can label them and put them in their proper compartments, but I am finally releasing this as a I don't know WTF happened.  I am just happy to be finally emerging on the other side of this sickness.  I am slightly bitter that my time off from fertility treatments has been encroached upon with two illnesses. I so wanted to start feeling "normal," not having to wonder what was me and what was hormone related. 

Thanksgiving wasn't all it was cracked up to be, but that is pretty usual.  How old do I have to be before I will stop imagining my family will ever be what I'd like it to be as opposed to what it is?  I think I did slightly better on the family stress front, mostly because I was sick and didn't have as much obsessive energies in reserve, so maybe that was a good thing.  My husband and I have also come to the realization that we need to make our own Thanksgiving dinner for ourselves from here on out.  The food we remember from childhood seems to have vanished at our respective parents' houses.  It's all about instant potatoes, casseroles from Sam's Club and other "abominations."  Not sure why, but this year confirmed it.  Is this the start of us becoming the primary generation and our parents being taken care of instead of the opposite?  Just makes me feel old and a little sad.

Sometimes I feel sorry for anyone who reads my complaining ramblings, but venting them in a controlled way helps me to release the toxins.  I have a ton to be grateful for even though I just feel blah and depressed at the moment.  My husband took such great care of me, and I was a crybaby patient bordering on hostile at times.  Being sick is always a good exercise in letting someone help me without feeling upset about being helped.  I have improved on that front, but I still get this slightly vulnerable, scared feeling when I accept too much help.  Yes, I have some trust issues.

I am trying to resist the feeling of "let me just get through the holidays" without crashing into a funk.  These holiday times really slap you with images of family over and over.  It's either "every kiss begins with Kay" OR beautiful family with adorable children.  If you don't fall into one of those, you don't exist, or at least it feels that way.  

I wish I could create a formula to calculate the degree to which the weather shapes my feelings about life at the moment.  Currently, it is gray and rainy.  There has been so little sunshine over the past week!  Come back, sunshine.  I am waiting.