June 11, 2014

Apathy

I'm just not feelin' it these days, and by it, I mean dealing with infertility stuff. I keep dragging my feet each step of the way, feeling drawn back and forth in my plans and thoughts about what has happened and the future. My beta got back down to negative, so I have closure on the miscarriage. It still feels weird calling what happened a miscarriage because I feel like we had to decide to let it go rather than it happening, but I hate the phrase missed abortion about as much as products of conception.  Basically any term related to bad pregnancy results kind of sucks. 

We were able to switch to a younger, female RE in the same infertility clinic, and we met with her last week to review things and make a plan for next steps. While I didn't feel the same negative vibe as with my previous RE, I still didn't get all warm and fuzzy from this visit. I am trying to let it go, but my fantasy version of our meeting was that she would have read our history before we met with her and would have thoughts, opinions, analysis, and plans to share with us for the next cycle. Yeah, totally ridiculous and naive considering how this practice operates, but I sure would have loved to feel like we weren't just herded in and out. I also got the creeping feeling that they don't like to meet with patients between cycles to discuss the last IVF and the next one. It was sort of like, "ok why did you want to meet?" I have to let it go, but she basically thought the only things "proven" to maybe help were acupuncture and DHEA.  She didn't think the other supplements and stuff or any of the other drug protocols were proven to help egg quality. She did mention making sure my BMI was normal, and I am just outside of the normal range again since the last IVF. To make matters worse, the computer system was down, so she couldn't call up our records to look at when we started the meeting. Essentially I feel she had no idea who we were and what our history was.  We had to summarize and tell her everything and lead the meeting  Eventually she was able to get back online and contribute some thoughts based on what she saw, but it left me feeling the same sort of disappointed feeling I usually get over there. She has ordered some blood tests to rule our karyotype issues and autoimmune issues just in case these are a factor in the miscarriage. I feel sort of apathetic about even getting the tests.  I just feel flat and tired on the IF front.

After the meeting with the RE, we were put in the second waiting area to have a follow up with the financial counselor to talk costs of genetically testing any embryos we get in the future, but the counselor never showed up and we eventually just left due to time issues. I got a follow up letter telling me to check the websites for Natera and IVIGen for costs. Sooo, guess I will just be in charge of pricing it all. I find it so bizarre that just like the medicines out of pocket, they give no information on costs and stuff to patients dealing with genetic testing??? Am I their first patient to need the info? Why wouldn't they have some pamphlets or handouts to give people? Are there ten other patients this week googling and doing this same research I am about to do just because the clinic doesn't care to help facilitate this process? It's not like my clinic doesn't get a boatload of money when we test. They charge a $1500 fee to biopsy and send off the cells, plus $500 if we thaw the three on ice to biopsy, plus $1750 to freeze them all afterwards. 

And I guess now I have actually gone on a negative rant that I didn't want to go on by updating my blog. Every time I thought of updating, I felt so negative that I held off until I could process it all and try to put it into perspective, but I just can't seem to do that. I have such irritation with the clinic, its financial counselor, its gouging ways, its level of care. 

On a better note, I did get my period six weeks after the D&C, so I guess I am recovering physically. I will keep exercising and trying to lose some pounds while taking the supplements and getting acupuncture over the next month.  Once I get my period in July, we plan to start a new cycle of fresh IVF, with egg retrieval in early August, I guess.  We want to get any embryos genetically tested so that we can put in only normal ones, but I have to do some research on prices and options.  I am hoping over the next weeks, my ambivalence and apathy toward all of this will fade a bit so that I can feel some energy about starting the new cycle when it comes.