Somebody in my online IVF support group suggested we do a lucky sock exchange, sort of a secret Santa where you are randomly assigned a name in the group. Then you send that person a pair of lucky socks for her upcoming cycle, egg retrieval, embryo transfer, or daily wear :) What a positive project in the midst of a lot of negative energy around me. Today I got my delivery of socks in the mail, all the way from Portland, Oregon, containing not one but two pairs of socks, along with some lip balm and an encouraging note. I have been checking the mail box excitedly every day lately, waiting on my surprise, and I couldn't have been more pleased with the socks.
More than the "luck" the socks contain, they bring the knowledge that so many others out there are going through this crap. It has meant the world to connect with these intelligent, kind, thoughtful women from around the country (as well as one Australian member). Since meeting for coffee or lunch is not really possible, the socks are a tangible way to feel the support that all members of the group are sending out to each other all the time. Maybe I will just keep rotating these back and forth every day for the next four weeks to make it through the cycle?
As for me, I was lucky to get the name of a woman in the group who had become pregnant right after I had in March, and who then miscarried right after I got the bad news that my baby had stopped developing. She is in the subset of women in our group (myself included) who got pregnant and lost pregnancies over the past three months. Sadly, there are actually five of us out of about twenty whom that happened to! I sent her a pair of symbolic socks--yes, my English teacher is showing but I couldn't resist.
The colors are crazy intense, but this beautiful Phoenix rising from the ashes felt so right. Recovering from miscarriage, yes, but recovering from the monthly fiery crashes we face over and over again as we keep trying. We emerge anew from our own ashes, perhaps not fully formed or unscorched, but definitely forever changed and stronger for surviving the latest inferno. I wish I could send these socks to everyone going through a new cycle after the repeated failures in the past. I wish all of you could get a package of these in the mail from a friend who is thinking of you and sending you her support and love.